The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
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*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
i baked you a cake
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.