Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
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-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.