I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
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interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
What number SPF blocks people?
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Beware…..