I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
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Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.