Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
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Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
This made me chuckle.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.