I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
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Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
If you love someone, let them tweet.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014