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Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.