Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
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Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”