Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
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My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.