The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
You Might Also Like
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”