A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
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Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
How times have changed.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.