I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
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A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
🛁
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”