Merica.
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[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
accurate
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok