Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
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You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.