Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
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Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?