these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
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ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.