No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
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Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
kitchen magnet