Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
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We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”