I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
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When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Natural selection at its finest
I love the honesty
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.