why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
You Might Also Like
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I’m having an out of money experience.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.