[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
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My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor