My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
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I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24