Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
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Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
You can’t outrun your problems…
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%