the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
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When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
こいつ天才
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?