A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
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Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
War & Peace
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.