Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
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I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁