I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
You Might Also Like
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
I have no passwords left in me
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
lol
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober