I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
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[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*