lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
You Might Also Like
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad