I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
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Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Every damn time