*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
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BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.