When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
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if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
This trial is so absurd 😭
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
*launders Kohls cash*
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.