Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
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BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Ha
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT