Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
You Might Also Like
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
m’lady
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.