The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
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I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.