*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
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[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”