I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
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GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Breaking news:
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*