Mountain Goat : )
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I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
why am I working on Labor Day
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?