My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
You Might Also Like
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems