Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
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Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse