Is there a class for just the karate noises?
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Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*