Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
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Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant