I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
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why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend