I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
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water it, i dare you
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75