Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
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I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
SPLOOT
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.