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Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
I can’t be the only one 😂