Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
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My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?