Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
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The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
me adding lol on a serious message
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.