robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
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The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
my fav colour is also hitler
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!