when someone rings the doorbell
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1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don鈥檛 care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I鈥檝e gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I鈥檓 pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn鈥檛 be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Looking through 15鈥檚 yearbook:
Me: you鈥檇 crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
馃槖
Reporter: *ports again*
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he鈥檚 my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he鈥檚 my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he鈥檚 my soulmate.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
If I chase you, it鈥檚 most definitely with a chainsaw.
Maintaining the universe鈥檚 equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?